One day I went to Morrisons

Forgot to take a map

I only wanted beans and buns

And bog roll for a cr*p

Got lost by the ladies things

Forgot my North and South

I didn’t come for flapping wings

Or stuff to wash the mouth

It’s just as bad in Sainsburys

Perhaps it is my age

The fruitless quest for herbal teas

Just puts me in a rage

I’m far too flipping old for these

Daily shopping trials

I’m sweating like a Stilton cheese

Lost in the British aisles

Maybe home delivery?

Should I? Do I dare?

Become a couch potato

Fat arsed, shopping from my chair

I’d miss the talking checkout though

And cheery orange bags

My unexpected items

And my special pricey fags

I’m hard, I can handle it

I’m such a little trooper

And while I’m there I’ll have a sh*t

Markets. Simply Super.


by Gail

Florence’s Pie

Sir Terry Wogan and Mason McQueen take a tasty trip round town…


No traffic jam when Terry came

No culinary surprise

He used his loaf and found some cheese

When munching round The Vize

He and his little Mason friend

Had breakfast at The Bear

Sausage, bacon, beans an ting

No revelation there

Terry chewed the fat a bit

And did a bit of walking

A bit of pork, a bit of cake

And pudding (now you’re talking)

The flight of locks left Terry cold

He didn’t eat the quackers

Then things got quite interesting

When John got out his clackers

And hold on there is Florence

Making Olde Vizes Pie

Terry’s buds are tickled now

A stuffed fox winks an eye


So cheers for that then, Terry, mate

You put our town on telly

But next time have some lardy

And get rat ars*d in the Pelly


by Gail

(For Florence from The Black Swan

and the Unusual John Girvan)