Who are the British people anyway?
The ones who with Conservatives agree
And only them? Are we allowed to be
The people now? Are we allowed to say
A word against the government today?
Free speech, you say, but not the BBC
It’s not for that you pay the licence fee
To let the lefty woke get in the way
The who? The woke, the liberal elite
The Linekers, the Attenboroughs, you
And every other person in your street
Who disagrees with what the Tories do
Be quiet you, while we turn up the heat
It’s not as if you’re British people too
© Gail Foster 10th March 2023
Putin Did A Little Speech
On the occasion of Putin’s state of the nation address after a year of war in Ukraine
Putin did a little speech The audience looked pretty shot But sat and listened to him preach Because they had to. Looked a lot Like statues, as if some had died Already, some were nearly dead And some were simply dead inside A rictus smile stuck on a head And on he ranted, on and on As one by one they fell like flies Upon the floor - another gone And then another - in their eyes Was only darkness. Clear the floor Said Putin, and then bring me more © Gail Foster 21st February 2023
There Once Was A PM Called Rishi
There once was a PM called Rishi Whose plans for the future were wishy And washy but hey At the end of the day He had lovely teeth and was dishy © Gail Foster 4th January 2023
Cometh The Man
On the occasion of Matt Hancock (who?) going into the jungle (what?) Oh how our MPs entertain us We are what we eat - and sustain us Licking Boris's ring Was an actual thing And Nadine ate an ostrich's anus Matt Hancock. Who cares? Who is he? And where did you find him? (BB) And what has he done? Blah, blah, trouserless fun Blah, blah - ah, so a Tory MP Good luck in the jungle! You're who? Do watch out for the crocodile poo! And the people who think You're a wanker, wink wink For the fans of a Tory are few Who knows? He might prove to be good Give some old Tory women some wood Not that they'll see Being more BBC But I'm sure that they would if they could Cometh the moment a van In which cometh Matt Hancock who can Come up with the goods In the House or the woods Where is he? He's coming! Oh man © Gail Foster 2nd November 2022
Elon Had A Little Sink
Elon had a little sink And quite a lot of Twitter A Starlink and a skating rink And gold encrusted shitter I'd give it all up in a blink He said, and not be bitter If I had farts that didn't stink And tarts that didn't titter Elon did a lot of farts And most of them were smelly Distracting him from all the arts He liked to watch on telly And darts - he did like watching darts And reading Machiavelli While reaching down to touch the parts He hid beneath his belly Elon liked the ladies so And ladies liked his money He wished they wouldn't titter though At things that were not funny It's not the time for jokes you know He'd say, make like a bunny And - oh! - don't interrupt my flow Don't titter at me honey Elon had a massive head And doors he had to widen An IQ higher than, he said The tide that he was ridin' But when he snuggled in his bed He'd no-one to confide in Except his teddy, Little Ted And poster of Joe Biden Elon quite liked Donald Trump And Putin, or whoever Was popular that he could hump To make himself look clever And if they cut him off he'd dump Them instantly, forever And never let them kiss his rump Again. Or nearly never Elon had the notion that He was the true Messiah Jesus, he'd say, was a twat And my IQ is higher And I'm the King of Twitter, sat Above all that desire Me even though my head is fat And I may be a liar Elon. Onle. Leon. Nole - Who knows what you equate to You say you'll root out every troll But who knows what will fate do World domination is your goal And nothing less will sate you Beware behind the grassy knoll The ego that creates you © Gail Foster 28th October 2022
He Always Was Conservative, Was Fred
He always was Conservative, was Fred 'The one thing they will never take away - Conservative and proud!' he used to say 'And British. British born and British bred' He liked a bit of bunting on the shed And Elgar, bits of which he liked to play Upon his trumpet on Election Day 'To keep away the immigrants' he said When Boris came at first he liked him well But then there was the party thing, and he Was not impressed by that, nor by the smell Of bullshit, Truss's rubbish, his MP - The list went on. He just said 'Fucking Hell!' And died, they said, in front of the TV © Gail Foster 21st October 2022
What Company They Keep
On the introduction of the phrase 'anti-growth coalition' to the Conservative lexicon The Ministry of Silly Words devised A phrase designed to bring about division So dreadful it was worthy of derision One has to wonder why one is surprised Or that one is, with others so despised Described as being in some coalition So comprehensive in its composition That definition would be ill-advised Wait - anti-what? The anti-what are who? The enemy. The enemy is me? And anyone who dares to disagree Apparently, with anything they do What words they use to lull us all to sleep! How dull they are. What company they keep © Gail Foster 7th October 2022
Oh My God. My Dear
We empaths be like, ‘Oh My God!’ As wave on wave in which to drown ‘The coffin. Oh my God, the crown!’ Come rolling o’er the English sod With flowers floating on the flod To strew the rooftops of the town Oh comfort us with staff and rod We empaths be like going down You’re not an empath? Lucky you We take our hats off to you, doff Our caps as you would have us do ‘As if you too were servants!’ Scoff Away. We know why we are here The coffin. Oh My God. My Dear © Gail Foster 13th September 2022
‘Today I Mostly Learned About Death’ – a small child at Buckingham Palace, Saturday 10th September 2022, photograph by Gail Foster
Elizabeth Said
I'm delighted, said Liz, to have won in the vote Even though I am up against Rishi, the scrote I'm not looking behind me I'm looking ahead You can trust me. I'm Liz Truss, Elizabeth said I'm excited, said Liz, and I'm ready to hit The ground running. I'm up against Rishi, the shit But I'm really alive even though I look dead You can trust me. I'm Liz Truss, Elizabeth said I'm invited, said Liz, by my mates the MPs To go up against Rishi. I know about cheese And I know about pork so I'll keep us all fed You can trust me. I'm Liz Truss, Elizabeth said I'm far sighted, said Liz, though I struggle to see And I'm up against Rishi, who's richer than me There is nothing unsavoury under my bed You can trust me. I'm Liz Truss, Elizabeth said There's wrongs to be righted, said Liz, I'm the one To right all the wrongs what the government done Though there's nothing at all going on in my head You can trust me. I'm Liz Truss, Elizabeth said © Gail Foster 20th July 2022
Mr Sheen
Imagine, if you will, the sorry scene The morning after, when, for all their sins You've had to go and empty all the bins At Downing Street. You didn't want to clean Who does? You spray a mist of Mr Sheen And polish, then you pick up all the tins With fag butts in, and bottles of fruit gins With lipstick on, and wonder who has been The twat who spaffed the red wine up the wall Or drunk enough to decorate with sick The silken carpets running up the hall If you were rich you'd tell them where to stick Their fucking job, their fag butts, and their wine - You spray a bit more Mr Sheen, and shine © Gail Foster 26th May 2022