On the occasion of Matt Hancock (who?) going into the jungle (what?) Oh how our MPs entertain us We are what we eat - and sustain us Licking Boris's ring Was an actual thing And Nadine ate an ostrich's anus Matt Hancock. Who cares? Who is he? And where did you find him? (BB) And what has he done? Blah, blah, trouserless fun Blah, blah - ah, so a Tory MP Good luck in the jungle! You're who? Do watch out for the crocodile poo! And the people who think You're a wanker, wink wink For the fans of a Tory are few Who knows? He might prove to be good Give some old Tory women some wood Not that they'll see Being more BBC But I'm sure that they would if they could Cometh the moment a van In which cometh Matt Hancock who can Come up with the goods In the House or the woods Where is he? He's coming! Oh man © Gail Foster 2nd November 2022
Limericks
Hancock Goes Shopping
Matt Hancock went down to the shop
With his knob out. ‘It’s OK I’ll pop
A mask on my face
And leave plenty of space
And I’ve got lots of flags on my top’
Matt Hancock, enjoying the breeze
Round his gonads, went round by the cheese
And selected salami
Some gherkins, pastrami
Some wonky bananas, and peas
Matt Hancock then picked up The Sun
And saw he was in it. ‘What fun!
And, may I say
What a glorious day
For getting, er…everything done!’
Matt Hancock skipped out to the car
Where his bird (altogether now, ah!)
Was waiting. ‘It’s hot’
She said, ‘and you forgot
Your trousers again. You’ll go far’
Matt Hancock relaxed in his seat
With his knob out, and put up his feet
On the dashboard. ‘Drive on’
He said, then they were gone
Leaving skidmarks all over the street
© Gail Foster 25th June 2021
The Elusive Danny Kruger
Why Danny, so cute, but elusive
Ornamental and yet unobtrusive
Preferring to stay
At the end of the day
In locations a tad more exclusive
Why Danny, you see, while there’s cheese
In the pond and the voters to please
You could pop into town
Take the M4 and down
To Devizes (one ‘z’ and two ‘e’s)
Why Danny, you’ve come from above
Like a glorious bright Tory dove
With the light on your wings
And your parachute strings
And a note signed from Boris with love
Why Danny, we’ve hoodies that you
Can hug if you’re so moved to do
And a little white horse
And a Poundland of course
(that’s a ‘P’ and two ‘d’s and a ‘u’)
Why Danny, we wish you were here
Come the day will you even appear
Perhaps in The Bear
Or the Pelican, yeah
Bet you won’t pop in there for a beer
Why Danny, Devizes is nice
But in Wiltshire there’s mud and there’s ice
And Hammersmith’s so
Very pleasant you know
(Spell Devizes? One ‘D’ and ‘e’ twice)
Why Danny, you’re cute enough, true
But you’re Boris’s man through and through
And you’ll only appear
About four times a year
(There’s no ‘u’ in Devizes. Who knew)
© Gail Foster 4th December 2019
UPDATE: This morning, much to my surprise, I received a poetic retort from Danny Kruger (see below). Whilst I won’t be voting for him, one has to say Well Played.
Leaving Brexit Behind Us Forever
Why Gail, so full of surprises!
Thanks for the tips on spelling Devizes
I’m sure that we’ve met
But I haven’t seen yet
Through one of your many disguises
Are you the farmer from Manton who said
Have Defra gone off their head?
They’ve banned neonics
(The fleabeetle fix)
And so half my rape crop is dead
Or were you the soldier who proudly explained
This is how Yeomen are trained:
We leave them out in the rain
For a month on the Plain
And those that survive are retained
Perhaps you’re the teacher from Oare
Who said schools badly need more
Money – they’ll get it!
Sajid has said it!
The Budget will cough up for sure
But seriously, Gail, I’ll endeavour
To bring our country together
We’re badly divided
(Did you vote Leave? I did)
And I want Brexit behind us for ever
© Danny Kruger 6th December 2019
The MP for Devizes, Claire Perry
Written to mark the occasion of the Rt Hon Claire Perry MP’s recent appearance on Question Time…
*
The MP for Devizes, Claire Perry
Used to be fragrant and merry
Now she’s pointy and bitey
And not that politey
And bitter as bargain bin sherry
Our MP, the Honourable Claire
Has teeth that she quite likes to bare
In public debate
But her hair’s really great
And she did crack a blowjob joke. Yeah.
Claire Perry, MP for Devizes
Is worthy of Parliament prizes
At home we handle
Our bell, book, and candle
Whenever her presence arises
*
© Gail Foster 17th November 2018
gailfromdevizes 